Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Texas Fights Back

For the past few weeks I've had ugly, crispy brown skin on my arm from my encounter with an over zealous iron.  I now have a small light patch of skin in the shape of the top of the iron on my arm.  This week someone asked if I had been doing Crossfit....as if my iron mark was equivalent to hand ripping.  Nope, no crazy fitness here, just overconfidence about a stupid habit.


I've been working a little more than a week.  Today, I was feeling confident in my ability to sling tacos.  There was finally someone newer than me which is always a confidence booster.  In my bartending days I broke so many glasses it was kind of a joke...but kind of a problem.  I was happy to have avoided sweeping broken glass thus far in Texas.  Today however,....Texas fought back.  I dropped a glass bottle in the perfect position, on a concrete floor.  I gave my usual non-reaction, as I have become overly accustomed to the sound of breaking glass.  I looked down to assess the damage and saw a small droplet of blood.  As I strolled to the first aide box, I noticed both ankles had a little blood, but really I've seen worse from shaving.  I sat down and the frantic, about to puke manager asked if I was ok.  He took one look at the gauge on my right ankle and was headed toward his makeshift ambulance.  I started to argue, looked down and saw bone.....or so I thought.  Once at the ER, the doctor with scissors stuffed down the back of his scrubs quickly explained that I did not see bone....something about the next layer of skin or whatever.  All I know is my ankle was talking to me and I saw something white in it's mouth.  I'm pretty sure Lisa thought I was joking when I called and asked her to meet me at the hospital.  Apparently I was too calm....she didn't really respond until I was seriously asking her to come because my ride was leaving.  Then she came in and laughed at me, then took pictures.  But really that was totally appropriate.  I was laughing the whole time.....it was just stupid, I wasn't in pain, there was very little blood and I dropped a freakin' bottle...and my doctor had scissors shoved down his pants!  Damn Mexicans always need their sodas in glass bottles and use real sugar...why can't they fake out like the USA?  Or even better, drink Big Red like Texans.  I know, I know......big red is gum.  Oh but wait....what about Big Blue?  Nope.... there's nothing appealing about either of those as a beverage. Of course none of the excited Big Red drinkers thought Cheerwine or Sundrop sounded delicious.  Thankfully, none of those are on my drink list but I'll take my chances with Mexican coke if I really have to have a soda.  I kind of feel bad that I was bumped in front of the lady wearing a nightgown with no shoes and scraggly hair; who could only utter "40" when asked for her identification.  Not sure if that was her age, the number of pills she had taken, what she owed the cab out front or what.  That's exactly the reason hospitals freak me out.  The Haywood County Board of Education is in an old hospital building.  One time in high school I went there and got so freaked out by the extra long elevator, I never went back.  I still get grossed out by the elevators....it's like seeing dead bodies or something.  Here is further proof of why I should not commit to something that begins at 6:30am......


Otherwise, my week has been successful.  I finally got a haircut and didn't explode.  Going to someone new after six years was scary.  It's still not quite right, but better.   I also made it to The Scoot Inn.  Lisa swears it's famous and supposed to be awesome.  I was a little overwhelmed by the smell and by flashbacks of hanging out with 'the band' to think it was awesome.  I did enjoy the dreaded-up white dude who was implementing the favored forehead bandanna to hide the fact that his dreads are giving him a fivehead faster than normal.  Perhaps I'll try again sometime and be sure to chose a seat further from the porta-johns.

On the bright side, I didn't cut my wrists.....based on the amount of gauze on my ankles, no one would believe I didn't try to join the guy in the sky.  I kind of look like I had some new and improved feet sewn on.  Maybe that will be my new story....something about finally making my legs even.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

maybe y'uns DO know how to be country

Yesterday I was thinking about my first visit to Austin.  Lisa had been here only a few months and was staying with my aunt in Round Rock.  I was accustomed to seeing her at least twice a week, so once my plane landed I pushed my way off, desperately trying to find Lisa, as if she was choking or something.  That thought was quickly lost in the country music playing in the airport....it was different.....but much better than the slot machines in LAS.  I walked outside to search for Lisa's new car, named by my father as "the lesbian mobile".  I had been thinking "HOW could she possibly have a car that I had not seen/approved of first?  And it's not white?? That's weird!!"  Little did I know she would soon pick out a husband without me helping with the decision.  (he's not really white either but I approve).  Leaving the airport, I was immediately smacked in the face with suffocating heat.  That pretty much set my terrible mood for the day.

Once I was in the "LM"...an overly excited Lisa, drove directly to Mt. Bonnell.  It was her first of many attempts to convince me that Austin was a great place.  It was definitely a "look, there are mountains here" attempt.  It was beautiful, but I was ultimately unimpressed.  It was too hot, I was wearing pants and had zero interest in letting Lisa convince me to move here.  The very next stop was The Oasis....she was REALLY trying.  The Oasis softened me a little...but I was still NEVER moving to Texas.

Fast forward six years, and Mt. Bonnell is my favorite outdoor spot.  Poaching a room allows me to live within walking distance.  The nooks of the cliff provide perfect hiding/reading spots with a great view.  My first time back as an Austin resident, I continuously felt like I was at Devil's Courthouse .  Devil's Courthouse was always one of my easy escapes in Waynesville.  I planned many world domination events there.  I guess looking over a cliff clears my mind...I love it.

Upon the recommendation of the long haired Sprout's clerk, who had seen my face on one too many Saturday nights....I found another slice of Waynesville in Austin....here.  It was terrible and awesome and terrible...just like NC truck stop biscuits and gravy.

I guess TX has more NC in it than just the Bender sisters.  I keep hoping to hear a local version of y'uns....but only so I can avoid saying it.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Honest Abe vs. Cheshire Cat



Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.  ~Abraham Lincoln











Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.  ~Norm Papernick